Tags
2016 Honours Awards, Ant and Dec, Boris Johnson, Bradley Walsh, Camila Batmanghelidjh, David Cameron, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Lady Amelia Windsor, Miley Cyrus, Oscar Pistorious, Paul Gascoigne, Prince Andrew, Simon Cowell, Sir John Chilcot, Sir Philip Green, Sir Rod Stewart, Tony Blair, Victoria Beckham
Last week, the mid-2016 Queen’s Honours List was announced with much fanfare, accusations of cronyism, and the usual brouhaha. I thought I would award a few extra honours. In no particular order, here they are.
To Paul Gascoigne, ex-footballer, the I’ve-no-idea-why-people-are-still-interested-in-me-hic award.
To Tony Blair, ex-Prime Minister, the cheesiest-smile-and-more-slippery-than-a-bar-of-wet-soap-in-a-can-of-wriggly-worms award.
To Kim Kardashian, ex-nothing, the big-breasted-even-bigger-arsed-celebrity-most-famous-for-not being-famous award.
To Simon Cowell, ex-EMI mail room operative, the thanks-for-services-to-the-black-T-shirt-industry-but-not-much-else award.
To Victoria Beckham, ex-pop-singer, the best-sullen-look-on-the-planet award.
To Camila Batmanghelidjh, ex-media darling, the I-have-the-most-unpronounceable-surname-and-the-worst-dress-sense-in-the-world award.
To Bradley Walsh, ex-Coronation Street actor, the when-I-get-the-giggles-you-can’t-help-but-laugh-with-me award.
To Sir John Chilcot, ex-civil-service, the chairman-of-the-longest-ever-government-enquiry-and-looks-most-like-Ian-Hislop award.
To Prince Andrew, ex-husband of Fergie, the biggest-scrounger-and-schmoozer-on-the-planet award.
To Sir Philip Green, ex-BHS Chairman, the it-is-alleged-I-have-appropriated-more-pension-fund-money-than-Robert-Maxwell award.
To Oscar Pistorious, ex-sprinter, the I-got-away-with-murder-even-though-I-didn’t-have-a-leg-to-stand-on award.
To David Cameron, ex-cannabis smoker, the I-wish-I-hadn’t-called-the-EU-Referendum award.
To Boris Johnson, ex-Bullingdon Club member, the beneath-this-bluff-exterior-lies-an-even-bluffer-interior award.
To Lady Amelia Windsor, ex-University of Edinburgh student, the Christ-where-did-she-spring-from-she’s-gorgeous award.
To Justin Bieber, ex-young boy, the I’ve-never-grown-up award.
To Miley Cyrus, ex-Hannah Montana, the Justin-Bieber award.
To Ant and Dec, ex-Byker Grove actors, the-cheekiest-chappies-with-no-talent-on-tv award.
To Sir Rod Stewart, ex-railway modeller, the if-Elton-and-Bob-and-Mick-and-Paul-can-have-a-knighthood-for-sex-drugs-and-rock’nroll-so-can-I award.
Feel free to add more in the comments section below.
(^_^)
Ben's Blogs, Books & Pix 
Elaine Paige, Radio 2 the-most-irritating-false-laugh award
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I agree. For those unfamiliar with Elaine Paige, and Bradley Walsh (mentioned in my list), here’s Elaine Paige’s laugh here and a couple of clips of Bradley Walsh losing it on The Chase game show, here and here. Turn the sound up and enjoy!
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I liked him, it was very funny
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To Jonathan Ross: ex (hopefully) TV presenter, Grade 1 sleaze ball, may-he-continue-to-be-absent-from-our-screens award.
Mozz
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Do you mean Jonathan Woss? If so, I approve.
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‘Wossie’ indeed but he is too awful to merit a nickname!
Mozz
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I agree with all except for Paul Gascoigne – in footballing terms, the man is a legend!! I know you dislike football (although you did show a curious interest in the last Premiership title race and Leicester City – which irritated me no end by the way) but IMHO he is one of the best footballers this country has ever had and he once stole a team bus so he should get an award just for that!
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Paul Gascoigne may well have been a footballing legend, I’ve no way of judging, but he went into decline in the very early 2000s (sixteen years ago) and still the media report his every transgression or charitable act. I mean, Jeez, only three days ago the Daily Mail made a song and dance about him handing out cigarettes to a homeless man? Why? There is less than one avoirdupois dram of interest in this meaningless and unhealthy gesture!
Up the Foxes!
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I only have one thing to say – WHY do you read the bloody Daily Mail!! Avoirdupois is a good word, I had to look it up! And ‘Up the Foxes’, I assume you are referring to the pesky critters that plague John Cutcliffe on a nightly basis rather than the football team that unexpectedly won the Premiership???
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Why do I read the Daily Mail? How else would I keep up with the antics of Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus and Simon Cowell? And, no, my reference to the Foxes (upper case F you will have noted) was to the new darlings of English football, Leicester City, not to the nocturnal predators that plague my ex-neighbour.
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Ed Balls – Just like a ball he is full of stale air. He lost his seat at the last election ha.ha. now he is blabbing about the economy going to collapse if we leave the rich man’s club.
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So what award would you give to him, Mick?
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Ed Balls, the load-of-bollocks-smelly-fart award!
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The order-of-the-scrotum.
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