I seem to be surrounded by health-related doom and gloom these days. Just about everyone I know in my septuagenarian-octogenarian age groups – family, friends, neighbours – seems to have at least one ill-health problem; sometimes more than one. I guess it’s inevitable as we age, but over the last few years, I have become very knowledgeable about how the body works and, more importantly, how various bits and pieces can fail. In no particular order and based in part on personal experience, I know about bowel cancer, total knee replacements, hip replacements, colonoscopy, rigid cystoscopy, rigid ureteroscopy and other ‘scopies, pericarditis and its close symptomatic neighbour pleurisy, biopsy, asthma, fibromyalgia, carcinomas, dental implants, age-related macular degeneration, motor neuron disease, atrial fibrillation, osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis, gynecomastia, coronavirus and COVID-19, lupus, breast cancer, various forms of back pain, cataracts and lens replacement, causes and control of flatulence and incontinence, the impact of partial deafness, hypertension, systolic and diastolic pressures, aneurysms and strokes, hydronephrosis, colovesical fistula, unilateral/bilateral hyperacusis, and other health issues I’ve forgotten about – oh yes, add dementia to my list.

(And, when I wrote my book on religion in 2012, I researched, learned and wrote about human reproductive and evolutionary biology. Thus, I have specialised knowledge about alleles, autosomes, cells, chromosomes (X and Y), cytokinesis, diploids, DeoxyriboNucleic Acid (DNA), double helix structures, embryos, genes, genomes, haploids, meiosis, mitochondria, mitosis, organelles, phenotypes, and zygotes. Not a lot of people know about these things!)

I also know about cannulas, catheters, heart monitors, stents, blood pressure monitors, crutches, Zimmer frames, hand-propelled and electric mobility chairs, walking sticks (and trekking poles), back supports, 7-compartment pill boxes, and hearing aids. Plus, I can tell you the meaning of the following abbreviations: BMI, MRI, DVT, A&E, HRT, UTI, NSAID, MRSA, GA, ECG, CT (scan), AF and BPM. (Ten out of ten plus a gold star if you got them all.)

And, the ultimate biggie. After many years of struggling, I can now spell diarrhoea (diarrhea in American English), although squirts, squits or skitters, runs, trots or Delhi belly is easier.

I have a PhD degree (computer science, early 1970s) and thus can use the title Dr (which impresses money lenders). When I explain things to my youngest granddaughter, Lottie, she sometimes rejects my explanation. If she does this, I counter with, “Trust me; I’m a doctor,” to which she always replies, “No you’re not. You are not a real doctor. You can’t make me better.” My reply in the future will be, “Oh yes I am!” and I’ll then proceed to convince her with all the medical knowledge I’ve gained over the last ten years or so. In so doing, I will either bore her to tears or send her to sleep but she will never question my explanations again.

To everyone suffering from the ailments of old age – keep taking the tablets!

A Bert and Mavis cartoon.
For more Bert and Mavis cartoons, see Bert and Mavis: The First Fifty Cartoons

(^_^)