Conversation with Pita

A few days ago, we needed to drive our car to be serviced by ‘a little man we know who does such things and is quite cheap’. Because he had moved to new premises, we entered his address into our Garmin satnav system, nicknamed Pita, and set out. The satnav was set to take us by the main roads but we knew how to reach the town in which his new premises were located and decided to follow the less-congested back roads until we were within striking distance of the new location and then just follow Pita’s final instructions. The following is a transcript of the synthesised female-voice instructions issued by Pita starting from when we left our house.

Pita: At the next roundabout, take the second exit.

Pita: Recalculating

Pita: At the first opportunity, do a U turn.

Pita: Recalculating

Pita: Recalculating.

Pita: Hey bozo, where are you going? In 300 yards, turn left fer Chissakes.

Pita: Left, left – turn bloody left!

Pita: Recalculating.

Pita: Okay, you’re back on track. At the next roundabout, take the third exit.

Pita: Third exit, not fourth. Listen!

Pita: Recalculating.

Pita: You’re not listening. At this rate you’ll end up in another country.

Pita: Recalculating.

Pita: I give up. You need new glasses and hearing aids. In half a mile, take the next right and plunge into the river.

Pita: You missed the right turn! Recalculating for the nth time.

Pita: At the next roundabout, go completely round three times and then take pot luck on an exit.

Pita: Ha! Fooled you! At the next brick wall, accelerate and head straight for it.

Pita: Recalculating.

Pita: Whoa, somehow or other you’ve arrived at the correct town. At the next roundabout, take the fifth exit and then turn right followed by two lefts, go over the bridge, exit second at the next roundabout, third right and follow the yellow-brick road to Nirvana!

Pita: You have arrived at your destination.

That’s it. We made it to the new premises on time and had the car serviced. Next time, we won’t need Pita.

Oh, by the way, you may be curious as to why we call the synthetic female voice Pita. It’s because sometimes she’s a Pain In The Ass.