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I have just been informed that Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Mountbatten-Windsor, also known as the Queen Elizabeth II, will be making an important announcement this evening on the BBC Six O’Clock News and, being a personal friend of mine, she has sent me a pre-release of her statement with a suggestion I post it on my website. It is with pleasure and pride that I now do so.

Press release from HM Queen Elizabeth.

My loyal subjects:

It is with regret that, with immediate effect, I have sacked everyone in the House of Commons and assumed command of my kingdom’s negotiations with the top brass of the European Union, currently residing in the city of Brussels in Belgium.  As your Head of State, I am fed up with the snollygosterings, procrastinations and incompetence of the elected UK Members of Parliament and with their combined inability to come to an agreement over how to implement the result of the UK EU membership referendum held in June 2016 in which you, my people, voted to leave the European Union.  I have, accordingly, re-asserted my royal prerogative and thus exercised my right to take back power from Parliament and take command of the situation.  To those who say I don’t have this right anymore following the judgement made against my predecessors Richard II in 1387 and Henry VIII in 1607, I say, “Cobblers”.  I am Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, plus I own or have exclusive use of at least twenty luxurious properties (more than Sir Philip Green), with a net worth of at least £18 billion, and I have my own small but highly-efficient and deadly army known as the Queen’s Guard and Queen’s Life Guard who did solemnly swear to be “faithful and bear true allegiance” to me and “honestly and faithfully” defend me, my heirs and successors, in person, crown and dignity “against all enemies”. So be it.

Consequently, with all this power plus the £71 million Sovereign Grant I received last year from my loyal British taxpayer subjects, I have reasserted my sovereign authority and sacked Parliament.  In its place, I have appointed various members of my extended family to key positions in an emergency government formed to counteract the aggression of the Brussels junta formed by Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk and Michel Barnier.  My new government consists of:

– My son, Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, to be the Prime Minister;

– My son, Prince Andrew, to be Chancellor of the Exchequer, in charge of all financial matters including MP remuneration, allowances and expenses;

– My husband, Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, to be Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice in charge of all legal matters including any challenge to my reassertion of the royal prerogative;

– My grandson, Prince William, Secretary of State for Defence and Commander-in-Chief of the Queen’s Guard and the Queen’s Royal Guard;

– My granddaughter-in-law, Catherine Mountbatten-Windsor, Duchess of Cambridge, to be Secretary of State for Media and Public Relations;

– My granddaughter-in-law, Meghan Mountbatten-Windsor, Duchess of Sussex, to be Minister for Women and Equalities;

– The rest of my extended family are all elected as Ministers without Portfolio until elevated to a ministerial post based on need and on their many and varied skills.

These appointment are made with immediate effect.

Under the executive powers afforded to me by this unprecedented move, I have also made the following royal proclamation:

The United Kingdom will be returned to its four pre-UK pre-GB constituent and independent countries of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland starting tomorrow, 4th April 2019, at 09:00 hours. 

In this way, Northern Ireland will be free to recombine with the Republic of Ireland and the irksome so-called Irish Backstop will be removed as an obstacle to Brexit along with Arlene Foster and the Democratic Unionist Party.  Also, Scotland will be free to continue or renegotiate its membership of the European Union thereby removing the irritant of Nicola Sturgeon and the Scottish Nationalist Party.  Finally, Wales will also be free to pursue their own ambitions with the European Union as and when they make up their mind about what they want in the long term.

I have also asked my Commander-in-Chief, Prince William, to ready my army in case of an invasion by irate pro-EU French and German military forces.  We shall fight on the beaches, perch on the hilltops, barricade the supermarkets, and muster in the pubs.  We will never surrender to the Bullies of Brussels.

By these actions, I have broken the log jam, the paralysis, the impasse that has afflicted my previous government and I have asserted my Head of State authority over the indigenous and foreign peoples of my nation.  We will take back our fishing grounds, restore confidence to our industries, allow the housing market to recover, regain control of immigration, claw back almost £10 billion net contribution to the EU each year, rid ourselves of the looming spectre of federalism, and return sovereignty to our people.

We will leave the EU on Friday 12th April, 2019, as determined by the previous government under pressure from the Brussels’ Bullies.

Thus, have I decreed.

Elizabeth R

Signed and sealed this day, Wednesday 3rd April, 2019, Elizabeth R.

God save me!