It is just past the eleventh hour of the fourth day of the fourth month of the year of Our Lord, two thousand and nineteen, and I regret to say that the planned placement of our new Prime Minister, Prince Charles, into the seat of all power in England – Number Ten Downing Street – has not occurred. As a result, the uprising by the Royal Family has not happened and the original members of Parliament are still in power in the Palace of Westminster. Not only has Charles failed in his bid to become the new Prime Minister, there has been some dissension within the ranks of the newly-constituted government comprised of members of the Royal Family.
The Revolt of the Princes
Prince Andrew, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, asked for but was refused a remuneration package worth £1.7 million per year (salary, expenses, car, exclusive use of a Lear jet, a set of Honma Golf’s Five Star golf clubs, and a generous pension contribution). Furthermore, and in a separate move, the UK’s tax authority, HMRC, has declared that after much deliberation, his accrued frequent flier miles with multiple airlines will now be taxed as a cash benefit, the tax to be applied retrospectively and dating back to 2003, the year he was reported as spending £325,000 of taxpayer’s money on flights. Prince Andrew has since resigned from his new government post and was last seen walking into the offices of Sir Philip Green’s accountants and lawyers.
Prince William, appointed Secretary of State for Defence and Commander-in-Chief of the Queen’s Guard and Queen’s Royal Guard, has also stepped down under pressure from his wife and his wife’s parents who all claim to be pacifists and have stated that they cannot support a husband, father and son-in-law who is able to command a military force capable of inflicting death and destruction on others. William, who takes after his mother and is a gentle soul at heart, has bowed to the pressure from his wife.
Even Prince Philip had declined the offer to become Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice. Although he would be provided with a chauffeur-driven Range Rover, he has argued that he really does not want to become a back-seat driver and his recent driving ban means he can no longer take the steering wheel. Hence, he will become increasingly frustrated as he travels around fulfilling his new duties and, at his age, that is not good for his health. He too has resigned.
The Queen’s Abdication Announcement and dissolution of the royal family
All this has turned out to be too much for the Queen to bear and she has announced her immediate abdication and dissolved the whole Royal Family. She has applied to Wandsworth Council for a ten-bedroom council house overlooking the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home wherein she has temporarily placed her beloved corgis. A member of the council’s Housing Committee, who wishes to remain anonymous, has said that Mr and Mrs Mountbatten-Windsor’s application has been received and will be reviewed, “… with sympathy and respect but there is currently a long list of applicants and they must wait their turn.”
So, where does all this leave us regarding Brexit? Theresa May has re-instated her usurped government and is now locked in conversation with the Leader of the Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, to try and find a way through the deadlock. I did receive a brief e-mail from Theresa early this morning thanking me for warning her about the Queen’s intention before yesterday’s revolt took place – “Forewarned is forearmed” she said, proverbially – and also for the idea of dissolving the United Kingdom to solve the Irish backstop and snapping-at-the-heels Scottish Nationalist problems but she added that dissolution of the UK would require a full referendum, a positive indicative vote in the House of Commons, a full vote and passing into law agreed by both Houses of Parliament, and the blessing of the Queen if she returns as monarch, all of which have as much chance of succeeding as a “snowball’s survival in hell” (my words, not hers).
I wish Theresa and Jeremy success in their discussions and I hope there is a plentiful supply of tea, coffee and doughnuts to help them come to an agreement that is then agreed by Parliament, agreed by the Brussels’ Bullies, and, finally, by the British people. It’s a tall order. Civil war between the Leavers and the Remainers is now a distinct alternative possibility. I’ve started barricading and stockpiling!