2016 Honours Awards, Ant and Dec, Boris Johnson, Bradley Walsh, Camila Batmanghelidjh, David Cameron, Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Lady Amelia Windsor, Miley Cyrus, Oscar Pistorious, Paul Gascoigne, Prince Andrew, Simon Cowell, Sir John Chilcot, Sir Philip Green, Sir Rod Stewart, Tony Blair, Victoria Beckham
Last week, the mid-2016 Queen’s Honours List was announced with much fanfare, accusations of cronyism, and the usual brouhaha. I thought I would award a few extra honours. In no particular order, here they are.
To Paul Gascoigne, ex-footballer, the I’ve-no-idea-why-people-are-still-interested-in-me-hic award.
To Tony Blair, ex-Prime Minister, the cheesiest-smile-and-more-slippery-than-a-bar-of-wet-soap-in-a-can-of-wriggly-worms award.
To Kim Kardashian, ex-nothing, the big-breasted-even-bigger-arsed-celebrity-most-famous-for-not being-famous award.
To Simon Cowell, ex-EMI mail room operative, the thanks-for-services-to-the-black-T-shirt-industry-but-not-much-else award.
To Victoria Beckham, ex-pop-singer, the best-sullen-look-on-the-planet award.
To Camila Batmanghelidjh, ex-media darling, the I-have-the-most-unpronounceable-surname-and-the-worst-dress-sense-in-the-world award.
To Bradley Walsh, ex-Coronation Street actor, the when-I-get-the-giggles-you-can’t-help-but-laugh-with-me award.
To Sir John Chilcot, ex-civil-service, the chairman-of-the-longest-ever-government-enquiry-and-looks-most-like-Ian-Hislop award.
To Prince Andrew, ex-husband of Fergie, the biggest-scrounger-and-schmoozer-on-the-planet award.
To Sir Philip Green, ex-BHS Chairman, the it-is-alleged-I-have-appropriated-more-pension-fund-money-than-Robert-Maxwell award.
To Oscar Pistorious, ex-sprinter, the I-got-away-with-murder-even-though-I-didn’t-have-a-leg-to-stand-on award.
To David Cameron, ex-cannabis smoker, the I-wish-I-hadn’t-called-the-EU-Referendum award.
To Boris Johnson, ex-Bullingdon Club member, the beneath-this-bluff-exterior-lies-an-even-bluffer-interior award.
To Lady Amelia Windsor, ex-University of Edinburgh student, the Christ-where-did-she-spring-from-she’s-gorgeous award.
To Justin Bieber, ex-young boy, the I’ve-never-grown-up award.
To Miley Cyrus, ex-Hannah Montana, the Justin-Bieber award.
To Ant and Dec, ex-Byker Grove actors, the-cheekiest-chappies-with-no-talent-on-tv award.
To Sir Rod Stewart, ex-railway modeller, the if-Elton-and-Bob-and-Mick-and-Paul-can-have-a-knighthood-for-sex-drugs-and-rock’nroll-so-can-I award.
Feel free to add more in the comments section below.